‘Will you play with me?’ says my three-year-old grandson on his birthday, as he held my hand and looked up at me, those bottomless dark eyes peering into mine as he held my hand. I enthusiastically agreed and off we went to explore the imagination of a child. Whatever the adults in the next room were discussing felt inconsequential to both of us. He delighted to have a fully attentive playmate while I delighted in the invitation to play like a child, letting the adults connect without us. And so I owned this path, this conscious choice as we connected, laughed, played, imagined and giggled.

Over the holidays, serendipity offered me the opportunity to meet two different couples traveling here for a break. Given this occured on the same day but in different settings, I took note. As we conversed, I learned that each of the couples included a nurse that worked front line. Both of these nurses had been called upon to work extensive and extended shifts since the middle of March, since COVID patients began appearing in their hospitals….

For the past few days, the practice of candle gazing has been part of the beginning of my day. …. Back to the candle and why it currently beckons:

The start of the flame, as it sputters and tries to find footing is often tenuous, uncertain.

Allow me to share a dream from about 30 years ago, that I still recall vividly. I was selected to participate in a woman’s only one-week course. As a single mother of two, this alone sounded like heaven and so arrangements were made for my escape, with little regard to the training content.

Three days into the training a dream appeared ….

Is the United States becoming more polarized and divided? Are we to the point of no return? Regardless of the election outcome, what’s your answer? I’ve been sitting in the middle of this for some time and have an answer. It depends.

Now I am cognizant this may seem like an easy response; allow me to add my caveat. Moving from a point of divisiveness to various levels of unity requires effort. Effort depends on how we choose to respond to conflict and less so on what an elected official or candidate is saying or not saying. 

It’s a challenge for me to watch two adults debating (and there seems to be one broadcast almost every night) who are unable to be respectful, instead pointing out flaws of the other person. Unfortunately, I have behaved similarly, digging in and refusing to consider another perspective. Have you? ….

Newly divorced with a one and seven-year-old, I made the decision to stay in the house, buying my former partner out and determined to somehow find a way to pay the bills. I told myself this was to provide stability to our children. While true, a deeper motive was that I too needed that stability.

Fast forward a year or so and I am barely making ends meet while not going into debt. I choose to not share with my parents, however I'm sure on some level it is evident. I drive a car that is 20 years old and …

The morning of March 7th, a news snippet comes on about a toilet paper shortage. I laugh, impressed by this spoof on COVID possibilities. Later that day, it becomes evident this is not a spoof. And I am curious. Nine days later, returning from a trip, I go to two stores to witness the empty shelves. I recall feeling regretful and critical of the choice of many, following the crowd mentality, to seemingly lack concern for the collective needs. It appeared that the choice was to get what was needed without regard ….

I show up for the election poll location set-up the day before early voting opens. Our leader, ‘Mr. Bill,’ announces to the group of five also working, that he does not wear face masks, he’s protected. My judging nature shifts into overdrive, a confrontation avoided only by a prior commitment

Early voting days found the pace slow. Election Day dawns and we arrive before 5:30 to set up. The first person is waiting outside at 5:37 AM to vote …

A long-time friend's father dies.

It was shared with me 10 days ago. It is today that I reach out. 

Some seed was planted when I heard the news. It took 10 days for the seed to sprout. 

A relatively short time in a lifespan….

The deadline for writing this blog is a day behind me.

Nothing appearing in my awareness deemed share worthy.

As my body relaxed into sleep, I released the deadline, and the self-imposed pressure of even needing to provide a blog; I surrendered.

And then, this morning, as I am brushing my teeth, it appears. ‘Practice the practice’ is the invitation and rest flows as this is both present and ignored.

We are all practicing life. We are invited to repeat the practices that help us practice life even more fully. To show up and keep practicing.

Yet, some days I just don’t feel like showing up. There is a part of me that would like to ignore all the practices ….

It’s 4AM on Thursday morning and the bike gears had been primarily in medium to high for the past 3 hours.

During an illuminating bike ride, quarter moon gazing down, at the invitation of a wise and experienced rider, I learned how to use the low gears. The illumination caused me to see how avoiding the lower gears of life, the slowing down, was a cover for fear. Fear of what might happen if I slowed down and examined the belief that it is weak to surrender will, and that weakness is not okay.

Our daily patterns of living are changed. Our awareness of the need for systemic change heightened and fueled. Our core of safety and security may be feeling disheveled. And, I am invited to ask, what am I feeding? What are you feeding?

A friend today asked me how I was doing.  After a pause, I shared I am feeling tense, uneasy and uncertain. And, upon further reflection at the time of this writing, I am also feeling sad, angry and fear for our society. My inaction, willingness to live as privilege with little understanding of the cost, and ignorance are part of my anger and sadness. How about you?  What are you feeling?

It may be hard to remember back this far, yet less than three months ago COVID-19 was largely viewed by something happening outside the United States. So, on March 10th, despite the potential for concern, I decided to proceed with a planned trip to one of my favorite beaches. A friend who had planned to join me was unable to do so, it became a solo time.

I’ve been asking myself to be more vulnerable lately. A few years ago, vulnerable was my word of the year. Actions that caused me to feel vulnerable then, but don’t now.

Being vulnerable asks me to push out of my comfort zone, to risk rejection or lack of acknowledgement. It especially asks a trust that feels fleeting. It’s easy to move to the ‘what if nobody likes me?’ kind of self-talk, which shuts down risk taking and provides a brief sense of false security as I crawl back into my shell.

One of the highlights during this time of relative physical isolation are sleepovers with my two-year-old grandson. We’ve been baking and projecting and arting, even cleaning windows. Each activity becomes its own opportunity to experience joy through the eyes of this little child.

In this time of ‘unprecedented change’ what is not changing?

Everyone has made changes to their routine, to their day to day patterns. And I am growing weary of the constant reminders of these changes. This is from a person who takes news in very small doses, knowing how too much of news, food, Netflix, etc. impacts my internal balance. Yet, the invitation to connect with who and what you love does not shift or change; it is more important.

While I usually write these blog entries days in advance, today, I am scrapping what was planned and sharing from my heart what is showing up now. My mind is full of swirling as I try to navigate various choices with integrity and truth. Do I volunteer at a food bank? Is it okay to bring supplies to someone who is homebound if I do? Do I see my grandchildren? What is the appropriate choice that serves the higher good for the collective whole? I went to bed with this and woke up with this. These are questions worthy of serious consideration, for the ripples can be dire and I want to be part of being responsible for the spread of anything but love and peace.

This little Peace/Love VW car moves forward, if you first move it back. As I was playing with my 2 year grandson, coaching him on this illogical action of moving back to go forward, my attention became immersed in the application to change, the changing and unpredictable dynamics always present, and with heightened levels of awareness now.