The Unexpected and Oh-So-Welcome Knock
It was a Monday. An unusually down kind of Monday. Life just wasn’t working according to my plan; I was full of doubt. Especially doubt about my value and the services that I offered. This is really unusual for me and was a convergence of many things, fueled by the stories I was telling myself and somewhat believing. It had been a slow month. My computer was in meltdown mode and so was my ego. During a walk with my daughter, I realized after how non-present I was. As I sat in all of this, stewing a bit, it became abundantly clear I was not being present with myself.
Rather than sitting in the uncertainty of these experiences created to help me see anew, I was telling myself stories, sad stories. This went on for the entire morning (my workout buddy didn’t want to talk, it didn’t feel like the class I taught was spot on) and into the afternoon. Then I recognized the importance of gifting myself the same space and attentiveness I usually give others. Feelings and sensations were felt, and tears started to flow, and then moved into racking sobs because I accepted that invitation to be present and practice what I know works. What tears were specifically about, unknown and unimportant. Feeling and allowing, highly important.
I felt much relieved after, yet still that thread of doubt lingers. It was the first Monday, no one had RSVPed for Pure Oneness (Sound Immersion)and I was invited to sit in that. I avoided reaching out to regular participants. I moved slowly – the computer demanded it. I’d open a document and then, while waiting, attend to little things around my interior space. It still felt edgy but less so than earlier. I reminded myself of the scripture, ‘Do your best work and release attachment to outcome.’ [paraphrased from Bhagavad Gita 2.47] Darn, this is hard to practice sometimes.
At 5:45 a knock on the door. A beautiful soul materializes for Pure Oneness. We got set up, me, feeling delighted at this now unexpected arrival, the assurance in the form of a person. Another knock, a second beautiful being appears. My soul sings and is still singing a day later.
The connection between the three of us is unique; we all came with our own baggage, a willingness to open the suitcase and take something out to share and release. Providing just enough encouragement to see this is my path at this time. This experience is a reminder of how difficult, extremely difficult, it is to be on this spiritual pilgrimage that demands I do the work and let go of the outcome.
It also arrives during the week Spiritual Guideposts cohort is sitting in non-clinging, not holding on, or aparigraha. Of course, for there are no coincidences.
The next morning 2/15’s offering, 360 Melt, is sold out and second is added. I continue to practice non-attachment to the outcome. This selling out being an expressed intention, and it manifested. I see how easily it is to be swayed by responses to my ‘work’ allowing worth to be based on the actions of people. Yet, so humbled and grateful for the experiences that teach and guide, point and direct.
Consider being part of the next 6 week virtual Spiritual Guideposts and experience life more attentively. You might also join me for the 360 Melt (surround-a-sound enclosed in an aerial silk/hammock with yoga Nidra) on the 15th. It is effortless; a great way to experience heart opening on and off the mat.